First, while you're at the Port Authority in New York after you get off the bus, you can pick up a cheap $5 umbrella from some guy named Pang Ming Lee.

After that go buy a cup of coffee and a NY Post, and/or a Racing Form (should have the form scoped out already) for your big trip in on the A Train. Just do not look at anyone once your on the A Train. You can either look tough or rock back-and-forth mumbling, “I love Elmo” with a blank stare on your face. No one will bother you.

Once you get to Aqueduct you can either take the walk from the subway, or squeeze on the shuttle bus that takes you there with the same people who have been trying to nail down the Mike Luzzi-Jean Luc Samyn early daily double for the past 15 years. There’s some powerful insight on those buses. You can just think of it as a poor man’s Siro’s Seminar. Take it all in and enjoy the ride.

Once you get in, let the good times roll. If you need company-you have plenty of options. The Jamaicans will be more than glad to help out a homie of a different ilk. They will give you some solid pedigree info. No turf racing when it rains or during the cold winter months, but they do dirt and mud as well. You can also get smoked up with them, so regardless if you are winning or losing. You will not give a rat’s ass if you get nipped at the wire and lose that $300 early double. It’s on to the next race! However you might not remember who you bet or whether your are at Belmont Park or Aqueduct, other then that, you should be A OK.

If that is not for you, don’t worry about it. Options abound at the great Big A. You can hang out in the “Sunny Jim” Fitzsimmons room. You will see some great old-timers in there. Some even saw the legendary Man o’ War race. The stories are great, “ahh the good ole days.” “It sure ain’t like it used to be” and so on. The smell could be a bit much at times. Some of those guys are going on two days without a Depends change. I ask, “who cares?” These guys are great! The last time I was there, I was doing the track announcing for them. I was yelling at the top of my lungs in this one dude’s ear. He also wanted Shoe Info, calks and bends. I told him, that don’t use mud calks anymore. Who knew? Man that got me tired. In addition, I made some coffee runs. They even tried to tip me a nickel. I refused it.

Still have not found the perfect group? You can make yourself at home wandering the grandstand level where you will find some of the strangest, vile, and somewhat sharpest people ever roam freely for hours upon hours staring and yelling at TV monitors. Some can even recite Shakespeare, or go into an in-depth discussion on evolution, or talk about the history of the Middle East, yet they can’t even tie their own shoelaces, let alone tell you when or where the Breeders’ Cup is.



You can try to mingle with the ticket picker-uppers who are an interesting breed—they scan the floor and garbage can dive, sifting, picking, hoping and praying to find a winner. It’s a maniacal quest that never ends from the moment the Big A opens until the moment it closes. One warning, this is not a social group, so I would back off these guys and let them be.

Another interesting group are the tipsters. They usually hang around by the windows or self-service machines. They usually have a fat, half-chewed stogie in their mouth from the day before and a sports coat that was hip in 1977. “I got one for ya, numba 5, can’t miss” is a commonly heard phrase if you listen close enough; of course, it will not always be the number 5. They are a very engaging group. More then willing to tell you a few stories about their hits they had back in the day or claimers they remember from the 60’s and 70’s. In fact, they can go on and on and on, and it can be hard to get a way from them. If the horse comes in they touted, there stuck on you for the rest for the day like that gum you stepped on getting off the A Train. They will eventually ask you for a few bucks as well. However if the horse they touted is up the track, they are outtie like a Saudi.

Still no luck? It does not end there. Go see some Thoroughbreds! This is what going to the track is all about, right? Hang outside with your umbrella that was made by a 5-year-old in a sweatshop in Pang-Hi, China who is making $3 a week and working 15 hours a day. Scan the paddock for that sharp looking colt or filly. See who is on their toes and ready to roll. Detecting sweat will be a bit difficult considering the rain. Here you can chat it up with some of the so-called physical cappers. They will describe every movement of the horse and what it means. Hear the latest gossip from the paddock hang arounders. See what trainer is sporting a tie. Or on the other hand, you just wait to see which horse takes a dump last and run to the windows.

Watching the race outside has some advantages as well. They run right by you, so you can see them powerfully stride home up close and personal. You are right in front of all the heart pounding Thoroughbred action! The flip side is when a can or bottle gets thrown in total disgust by a dude who blew his last $5 on a 75/1 John Candlin-Jose Espinoza 7,500 claimer. Heads up can be commonly heard yelled phrase. Just cover your head with a form or program and duck.

If you are of the solitary kind, then don’t fret. It’s a paradise for those who like to roam alone. And with the right behavior, it will be a nice worry free day at the Big A. Examples like swearing jockeys names, use of the word pig a lot and loud, using the program like a whip on your leg, desperately banging away trying to get your horse home first, and saying why did he wait so long? This type of behavior will make you fit right in. Also, constant talking to oneself and wild body movements is also key. You will look like a hardened veteran tracky. Keep as many forms and papers visible under the arms and stuffed in your back pockets. Have a look of utter disgust and agitation at all times, as if you are one more brutal at-the-wire beat away from going bonkers. Make sure your hair is all messed up too. No one would even consider asking or bothering you for anything. This assures a carefree day at the Big A.

Hope this helps. Good luck and go cash some winners!

Make sure after you leave, all this is left at the track. You could get institutionalized in real society with this behavior.

**** (This is a satirical attempt at humor; The Big A is not that bad place at all. In fact it’s a great place! I would encourage one to go there for a day at the races, or for that matter any race track!)****

Very good read.

make sure the mudda was a mudda today...