I wish it had been from a sex-crazed blonde teen gal from Iceland screaming in Dutch but two cats made it happen.

When I went to bed on Sunday night safe, sane and sober the tom Trouble was plowed into my collection of old blankets, women's underwear and comforters (and one moldy U.S.M.C. blanket from 1965). It was cold out and the heat here goes way down at 10 p.m.

I crawled into bed and he was on my right. I rubbed him up in the dark gently. He purred, flipped over and had his back was rammed into my right side. That's when his mother jumped into my bed and rammed her rump into my left hip. Now I had to roll a bit to my left and pet her a bit. I was able to reach an extra comforter and throw it over all of us but I was scrunched in the middle between two cats. I was tired and went to sleep.

At 5:02 this morning in the pitch dark the tom was gone but the momcat was noodging the left side of my head with gentle head butts. I got out of bed to go through the morning drill while she raced off to her feed dish downstairs.

I never had a bad back in my life or a back injury but the muscles behind my kidneys ached.

And that's what can happen when you sleep in your own bed contorted between two cats.

And no, there is no way that cats can "own" good humans that take them in. Absolutely not.

Could have fooled me